From Tears to Flowers

Dear Family and Friends,

It has been too long since I posted on my blog! I need to remind myself more often the bigger picture of this blog. It is my way of leaving a journal for my family of different topics pertaining to my days of probabtion. I am so surprised how hard it has been to write, since that has been something I have enjoyed doing for some time now. I anticipated writing books for my grandchildren, and perhaps even for other children. Actually, I had a list of "many things" that I gave thought to as how I would spend my time being an empty nester. Being a homeschooling mother for many years, I thought of ways to maybe bring some encouragement to the young Mothers at my church. My daughters and I, especially Caroline at this time since she has 4 children, thought of ways for me to be involved in their homeschooling adventures. Caroline and I had plans for me to be involved in Nature Studies, Music and Phonics. Yes, I actually enjoyed teaching phonics!!

Plans for family time sounded pretty good to me but I was trying to cover every interest I had. I'm a woman who loves life and a big part of how that is expressed is in the things I choose to do. I have had so many interest come up that narrowing them down was a hard task in itself! But I wanted to learn to really sew. Sew my own clothes, sew home decor items for myself and hopefully others, sew items of interest for my grandchildren. My fabric collection was just waiting for me to come and put their threads into a new shape and location!


Another plan had to do with how I felt each time I walked outdoors where you are instantly aware that our Omnipotent God is the creator of everything I see or hear, opened up a whole new world of gardening plans. I have been a gardener at heart for years but my illness was keeping me from this dream being met. But I simply would not let it go. I had to do something creative with these yearnings so I started a Gardening Notebook some 5 or more years ago. My notebook has everything in it from visuals of the most beautiful flower gardens to garden shed plans and ideas.''

Yesterday was another one of those days where you realize it is very hard to endure, and one minute you are pushing yourself to have the energy to fight off the phsyical side of you saying you are tired. "Well, I'M ALWAYS TIRED ! I made these plans and I'm going to follow through no matter what!! For those of you who might not know this part of me, I love to work and I love to get my TO DO lists done'!! This disease is robbing me of my brain. It is robbing me of the satisfaction of getting even simple tasks accomplished.Lately, it seems as if everyday I notice some sort of decline.

So yesterday, I find myself having a very difficult day with my health. Trying to push past that, I went to the basement alone, thinking I can open a garage door on my own. I tried and tried and I couldn't figure it out and even if i could I don't think I would have had the energy to actually do it. Jennifer was on the phone upstairs so she wasn't able to be of help. I was very heartsick when I realized I can hardly do anything on my own. I have a nice electric scooter that is to give me a measure of freedom and feel as if I'm doing things in this life where I am in control. Well I wasn't in control and I sat in that dark basement, on a motionless scooter crying and crying out to God. Let's see....you have before you a lengthy (sorry) story of some lessons I was RE-learning yesterday.

By the grace of God, I have learned that there is a time appointed for man t0 die and if he doesn't die immediately then he enters into a distinct group of people on this earth called "fellow sufferers." This group are to live with all sorts of affliction that trouble their bodies, or their minds. You are supposed to take your broken down state (your spirit) and be uplifted by the Lord by the "renewing of your mind." How do you sit in a closed up, hot garage, sitting on a scooter you can't even move and let God "renew your mind?" Well, first of all, the bucket of tears I shed does not overwhelm God. In fact, He is so careful to keep a record of my doings in this life as to bottle up EVERY SINGLE TEAR I HAVE EVER SHED! Oh boy, I'll need my own Mansion just for that! I cried out to the Lord and told Him, "Why do you think I'm strong enough for this? Why do you think I can be faithful to the end? This is too hard for me to do." My conversation was pretty much over with God but my tears weren't. Jennifer made it downstairs, got me set up to fill some birdfeeders at a table. Of course, I spilled A LOT, tried to sweep it into a dishpan, I had a spasm and and of course they all fell again. A few more tears were shed (and here i thought i was all dried out by now!) and Jennifer appeared again, just when I had a great need that no one else knew I had.

Oh, but my GOD, the Great Jehovah, who watches out over me, His little sparrow, knew exactly what my need was at that time and brought me help. Sending Jennifer to bring support to my failing efforts to work are just one way God uses each of us to be an encourager to one another, a way to bear one another's burdens. By the time all of the above story was finished, I was able to sit on my scooter in the shade for a great length of time. The quietness and the peacefulness of watching the birds DID bring a renewing of my mind. My spirit was brought to a rest in my struggle to fight having things the way they used to be. They can't be, because I'm not in control of those big decisions. GOD IS. Do I believe He gets tired of me having moments where I forget? I don't believe so, as I believe the compassion He feels for me over rules putting me in a category of rebellion. God knows my heart and gratefully I have learned many things about Him and I know that when He says, "Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid," that He means it. He YEARNS to be my comforter. Just like a father yearns to comfort his hurting children.

"New mercies each morning," were to be found this morning. I woke up with energy for Jennifer and I to go to Walmart and Lowe's to get flowers and some bird feeders. Jennifer has such a passion to fill her Mother's heart's desires because she knows me. And in my probationary state, she is very instrumental (as well as Neil is and the rest of my family) in helping to carry my burdens and to help me be of good cheer. I can say that her efforts today were placed in my TREASURE BOX IN MY HEART and only GOD knows how full it is. I don't see how she could do another thing for me because Sean and Caroline play a huge part in helping to fill up my heart with love as well.

So for anyone looking for a quickie version to the ending of Deborah's Day of Probation in this story, well here goes:

l. you must have a great trial of some sort
2. you give it to GOD, all of it
3. you have good days and bad.......it is best to spread the bad days far, far apart from the good! :-) ESPECIALLY since your are striving to TRUST IN GOD, FOR ALL THINGS.
4. When you do find yourself having a hard day (and you will have them and many times it just sneaks up on you) then CALL OUT to GOD. Do not follow the pattern I have one too many times of calling out to God after you have tried everything else. My own strength couldn't even build an ant hill but God is my Healing Balm, my Spirit of Consolation, my Refuge and Strength and so much more.

So what does the ending of this story look like? Well, today we have a number of beautiful plants waiting to be put in pots. Bird feeders are being hung, a bird bath gettting ready to hold the water for watching the antics of the birds bathing themselves or pruning each other after a bath.

I hope you find the thought quite refreshing! Hey, come on over anytime for some fellowship and watch your mind getting renewed without all the hard work Jennifer and I put into it!!

love and hugs,
Deborah (Mother and Mammay!!) xo xo xo

Hind's Feet on High Places

I am in a very small reading group with Rest Ministries. It is a ministry for those who have chronic illnesses and the outreach is wonderful. If I knew how I would type the link here.

We are studying the book I mentioned above. How appropriate it is for me in my final Journey Days. Assuming my "little readers here" have read it, the character, Much Afraid, has just found out that the travels with her companions Sorrow and Suffering, are taking a detour. A detour in the desert. Much Afraid is quite distressed in discovering this detour and calls out for the Shepherd. He arrives in a moment. He listens to the following:
"The guides you gave me say that we must go down there into that desert, turning right away from the High Places altogether. you don't mean that, do you? You can't contradict yourself. Tell them we are not to go there, and show us another way.
He looked at her and answered very gently, "That is the path, Much-Afraid, and you are to go down there."
"Oh, no," she cired. "You can't mean it. You siad if I would trust you, you would bring me to the high Places,a dn that path leads right away from them. It contradicts all that you promised."
"No, said the Shepherd, "it is not contradiction, only postponement for the BEST TO BECOME POSSIBLE."

This book study is so timely. Creating this blog is so timely. If only you knew how shocking it is that I did it. I have had a stretch of time in the middle of the night, and God is helping me to use this time (tonight) to labor for Him. But none of this was how Deborah planned my ending journey days. I was going to have a lot more accomplished. I was going to be a helper for Caroline's homeschooling days. I was......on and on.

But, God has said, No, I want you to learn of my ways by leaving your home, dying to the natural desires of being independent, designing my own daily TO DO LISTS and checking them off!

I Surrender All to Jesus is my hymn "of the hour," so to speak. I confess it gets hard at times but God's promises are ALWAYS TRUE! So family and friends, learn His Word and hide it in your heart. You will be amazed what it means to have them their as your lifeline in such a time as this for me.

goodnight one and all.............sending you love and hugs!
Deborah

HAVE THINE OWN WAY, LORD

...as the clay is in the potter's hand, so are you in My hand....
Jeremiah 18:6

"Hope differed makes the heart sick," says Proverbs 13:12. Yet, disappointments are HIS appointments." God uses setbacks to renew our focus on HIM, to strengthen our faith, and to divert us to other opportunities." **Robert J. Morgan**

I would like to use the hymn, HAVE THINE OWN WAY, in a different layout. A list/chart seems effective. If we want God to have His own way with our life here are some reasons why:

1. Thou Art the Potter, I am the clay.

2.I want YOU to mold and make me after THY will.

3. But I know for that to happen I must wait, yield and be still.

4. Today (in the present moments) Lord, please search me and try me.

5. I know the above is vital if I want to be made whiter than snow. So please Lord, wash me now, that I might bow in your presence.

6.Oh Lord, I feel wounded and weary many days. Help me I pray!

7. You have ALL the Power so please touch me and ***heal***me Savior divine.

***It is my opinion that this healing might include many things. from poor health to a multitude of sins."

8.If I allow you to have absolute sway in my very being, then please fill me with Thy Spirit, till all shall see.

9. What is it you want others to see in me dear Lord???

"CHRIST ONLY, ALWAYS, LIVING IN ME.!!!"

I don't know about you, but for me and my spirit, I need to do some serious "spring cleaning."

May our hearts be leaning on him for all things.
love and hugs,
Deborah

It Is Well With My Soul

Hello family and friends!

My little blinkie says, "Past, Present, Future." The words just seemed to click right off when I created this little blog. I am so grateful for a loving Heavenly Father who has forgiven my past, teaches me how to live in my present moments and gives me hope for my future.

I thought I would share one of my favorite renditions of a FAVORITE hymn of mine: "It Is Well With My Soul." The man singing is Wintley Phipps and it is my first introduction to his singing. What a singer!! I don't think I can ever get through this song without tears. I thought I would type out for you the words he shares before singing.

"It is in the quiet crucible of your personal, private sufferings that your noblest dreams are born and God's greatest gifts are given, in compensation for what you've been through.

It is Well."

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sYFjikyp7mQ

It is fitting for me tonight to be blessed to listen to this song before going to sleep.

love and hugs,
Deborah

Art Therapy...A First for Me!

Today I had my first visit with "my" art therapist. Hospice provides so many wonderful services and the social worker came several weeks ago and explained choices I had access to. Because I was given the choice, I asked if she might help me with making yo-yo templates. (If you don't know...yo'yo's are mostly circles of fabric you gather and can make quilt covers, crafts. lots of ideas)

One of the reasons I needed help with this is because I get frazzled with too many steps to anything. The time she spent helping me created the following:
1. together we made paper templates for the plastic templates
2. We cut out 2 different fabrics and sizes. I am wanting to make myself a matching necklace and bracelet! The fabric will match a skirt Jennifer recently sewed for me. (She sewed me 6 skirts........yes! The number is 6! I have never had so many new skirts and the colors are so fun!) The skirt is black with white polka dots. I just hope I get them done.

The art therapist, Denise, will be back in 2 weeks. I accepted her offer to guide me in what she described as expressing your losses through art. This isn't really my cup of tea normally, but I'm not exactly "normal" these days! :-) I'm sure my little artwork will not be displayed at any art gallery.

Unless there is a museum out there somewhere that collects artwork titled, 'STICK PEOPLE!"

goodnight!
Deborah

Spring is here, finally!!

Welcome Spring!! If there is one thing about springtime I relish, it is the birds! Waking up and hearing birds singing to one another is so delightful to me. Jennifer has put up feeders outside my window, both for small birds (niger seed) and the larger, a sunflower mix. I prefer to have hulled sunflower seeds as the birds do not like the hulls and scatter them on the floor bed wherever they hang. I had my first male finch visit last night.

Today is a big day for several reasons. My cousin's only daughter is getting married and one of the young ladies at our church is expecting her first child in several weeks and we are giving her a shower today. I have the responsibility of making mock "Hostess Cupcakes" and I will say that they are quite close and delicious. I can say that because I didn't create anything about it, just found the recipe online!

One of the reasons I have not posted is that I felt every single time I wrote I had to have some spiritual insight discovered, etc. and that just isn't possible. I have also had to have new meds started that make me very tired. So my TO-DO lists are not getting done and that makes me find myself swimming in a "pool of discouragement." SO sorting through that new phase of being on hospice has been going on. I'm not as discouraged as since going on the stronger meds have helped my pain level.

I initiated a conversation idea with my family called, "IF I COULD I WOULD...." since my reality is such, that I can do very little that I want to to do. So it has been fun to hear of some things they would do with me if I could do those activities. So here is my entry today:

IF I COULD I WOULD:

go bike riding. haven't done it in years but have wanted to FOR years. The trails around here are just growing and of course they are beautiful! It would be great fun as a family.

I would landscape with flowers and ground covers, little waterfalls and "all things bright and beautiful!"

That's enough entries for today on that topic. I want to be able to say them where a natural longing and admittedly sorrow might assist in those words but I don't want to have it get depressing. It defeats the whole purpose for me which is to open dialogue of the "real me inside" since most don't see or hear of such things.

Finally, please click on the Modest Mom button. You will discover a great weekend giveaway that you just can't pass up!

Blessings to all,
Deborah

Hospice and YoYo's

That's quite an unusal title, wouldn't you say? But today it really happened. The hospice admitting nurse came to my home today for several hours getting me into the system. For those reading who might not now, at least a month ago I was told to go on hospice only to have insurance problems. One thing led to another and it seemed I was denied. hWell, the other day, I decided to take it all on myself. I called my medical insurance company and to make a huge mistake and all it's little details......it turned out that I was able to have hospice all along. So for the nuts and bolts side of starting hospice all is well. Of course, it goes without saying, there is an emotional side to it that is pretty natural but it's been in the making for some time now. You think you are prepared but it still is a process to work through.



So where do yo'yo's fit into the hospice story? Well, I am trying to make some projects with them and my admitting nurse had some great ideas. She was quite interested in my efforts to do this which got me very eager to get a project done. I have a little book on it's way with instructions but while I wait on the book I am going to just play around with the ideas. I was blessed to find something on ebay I had never heard of, YoYo templates. They are very beneficial for me because I do have trouble holding onto things and these will help that problem PLUS it also shows the exact holes to put the needle through. I hope to create some nice things with these yoyo's. Thanks to my admitting nurse, my confidence level got a little extra boost today.



My heart is heavy tonight with burdens. So this is about all I have to say tonight. I just have to take the positives out of this day (even though it's 2:14 a.m.) and apply it for tomorrow!!''

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Pleasant Company and Flowers!!

Today was especially nice because we had good friends over for lunch! Longtime friends, where familiarity itself, brings a comfort to me. I have been thinking about the visit and I realized that part of what made it special was the Mother and Daughter part. C. homeschooled her children as well and the closeness that comes with mothers and their daughters in a homeschooling family is just another added benefit! Here we were with our adult daughters, still together in one room enjoying each others' company. Oh, what a blessing it was! I had invited the daughter over for lunch and then she called and asked if her Mother could come! So our little tea luncheon grew and it was a great visit!

While they were here, the mail came and a box was delivered fo me. While I confess the box looked pretty suspicious that flowers could be inside........I couldn't imagine who would have sent them. Surprise.....another longtime friend, this time of Caroline's!!! We became "phone friends" everytime Lizzy would call Caroline and if I answered it seemed like we would chat for some time ourselves! When Lizzy found my health to not be so good this time, she has shown her tenderhearted side in a big way and I can't thank her enough!! What blessings my Heavenly Father sends my way through friends, family, flowers and so much more!

Before I close I want to share that I found a link to a great site I want to pass on. There are 12 biographical stories of children from the Bible and I have read one story so that's as far as I can vouch for. But they are old stories that have been edited and I found the story quite enjoyable. I'm looking forward to reading more and searching out more of their choices on their website!

Here's the link:

http://www.wholesomewords.org/children/chbible/chintro.html

Because of Him I have hope!
Deborah

I can't sleep tonight so I thought I would type the words to a song I'm listening to.

I've dreamed many dreams that never came true.
I've seen them vanished at dawn.
But enough of my dreams have come true to make
me keep dreaming on.
I prayed many a prayer.
Seemed no answer would come though I waited so very
patient and long.
But enough of my answers have come to my prayers
to make me keep praying on.
I've sown many a seed that's fell by the wayside
for the birds to feed upon.
But I've held enough golden sheaves in my hands
to make me keep sowing on.
I've trusted many a friend that's left me
and left me to weep alone.
But enough of my friends have been true blue
to make me keep trusting on.
I've drained the cup of disappointment and pain;
gone many a day without a song.
Oh, but I' ve sipped enough nectar from the roses of life
to make me want to live on.
And I don't regret a mile I've traveled for the Lord
I don't regret the times I trusted in His Word.
I've seen the years go by, many, many days without a song.
But I don't regret a mile I've traveled for the Lord.

Little Boys

I have 2 of the sweetest little grandsons. They ARE boys that love to play in dirt, go sledding (on way too daring of hills...but I'm known to be a wimp so I'm sure I'm not a good judge of such things), they love to wrestle with their Papa. They like to play with their guns and go "hunting" and also "protecting us women. :-) Mosiah and Israel are part of my heart treasure chest! I sure do have a swelling treasure chest these days!

I was showing Mosiah my little blog here last night. I read the last post aloud to him about my blessings. He asked me if I mentioned that he fasted for me. No, I hadn't. After he left I pondered on my previous thoughts of the day my branch took a day last Wednesday to sacrifice for me by fasting and praying about my health conditions. My grandson, Mosiah at age 6, fasted for me. I was so touched because he actually fasted from lunch until he got home after prayer meeting. I asked him if it was hard and he said at one point it was but "I just started thinking about other things and played other games." I was speechless at his moment of expressing his spiritual maturity. I looked at him differently: my little "brother in Christ!" Wow!

With tears I write this. How do I show appreciation for such love from my brothers and sisters? It is not possible. But I can say that GOD gave me a very clear and wonderful testimony the morning after the prayer meeting. It is written and now typed. Their prayers were heard!

I made sure Mosiah knew his fasting brought a great blessing to me and I did hear from the Lord. He seemed to understand how significant that was. I can testify his little spirit is being nourished. The seeds are sprouting and he is able to share little "buds" here and there. My strong-willed grandson WILL be STRONG for His Lord. I am sure of that.

Then he was off to be a little 6 year old boy.

And I close this entry today with praise to my Heavenly Father for watching over me, just one of His little "sparrows."

"HEAR, O, LORD, and have mercy upon me; Lord, be thou my helper. Thou hast turned for me my mourning into dancing; thou hast put off my sackcloth, and girded me with gladness.
To the end that my soul may give glory to thy name, and sing praise to thee, and not be silent. O LORD my GOD, I will give thanks unto thee forever." Psalms 30:10-12

Because of HIM I live today,
Deborah

Sunday February 21, 2010

I have been sitting in this chair spending way too much time trying to log in to my daughter's blog with a few comments I have made. But you know, the struggle was worth it. I was able to leave a few words of encouragement, hopefully, to her as she walks her own journey in this life. There are struggles for everyone, in all different "packages." We of course, don't look at these struggles as gifts in the beginning, nor even necessariily in the midst of the deepest trials. But at some point, if we possibly sit still long enough, we will see the blessings brought from our trials.

I know that I am sitting here watching the snow come down and that is a blessing for me. I have had a weekend of words and actions said to me that I am loved by my family. I have a family that is willing to sacrifice for me to help me in this biggest trial in my life.

My husband drove in this weekend after working 10 hour days this week. Because of the weather he could only see me one day, and that included some work for me in moving items to my new "nest." He had to drive back to St. Louis in icy conditions. But our blessing was that I was strong enough that Bill could take me out of the house, grab a very nice lunch that we shared from Longhorn Steakhouse and then go to my favorite little spot in Independence for a picnic in the van! How fun it was! Oh, my fav. spot is behind Bass Pro Shop on the most beautiful drive, complete with 2 waterfalls.

To sum up...........LOOK FOR THE BEAUTIFUL. You can always find something beautiful in the midst of the waves but you have to be willing to look.

Until my next post....May God Be With You!
Deborah

Less IS More

Thanks everyone for the encouraging beginning of my blog journey. I can tell it is a good motivator to "stay in the race."

I was thinking about how much I am living with less now. The other night, Israel and I were spinning fresh spinich leaves. After a spin or two I got tripped up and could not figure out where I was in the process (was it supposed to go back in the bowl without holes or with holes?) and couldn't go forward. My precious grandson, age 4, said right away...."that's okay Mammay." Jennifer was right there and lovingly made things right. My brain could dip that low in the evening and yet there is still enough brain the next day to type or read on the computer. How amazing our brains our that God has made.

Then I was thinking of the size of this room. Good size for a smaller 3 bed. home. When I look around at all the beautiful sights in this room, the comforts I have been blessed with to make things easier, I thought of the COUNTLESS people in this world that are so poor they might even sleep only on dirt floors. Or someone else is as sick as I am and their world of less includes NO support system of loved ones such as I have. They could have all sorts of money to buy anything that would help them endure and be comfortable as possible.

I am assured tonight, that even though I am quite aware of how much less I have to work with. I have been richly blessed with what I have because:

"O, LORD, thou has searched me and known me." Psalms 139:1

Let me close tonight with this as my prayer:

"Let my prayer be set forth before thee as incense; and the lifting up of my hands as the evening sacrifice." Psalm 141:2

Because of HIM, I live,
Deborah

I have a new Nest!!

Talk about an eventful week. One day I am caring for my own home and the next thing I know a family decision was made to move me to another home! But not just any home. I have been richly blessed to be asked to live with Neil and Jennifer. My son-in-love and dear daughter's home. What a room they have created for me. It is so lovely and so peaceful here (and when I'm more settled I'll put up a few pictures!) and I even have a lovely view. For all of you who know me.......views are very important to me! How could they not be? I am homebound a great deal and I'm always looking outside. And I'm always looking for one thing and one thing only. Another view of appreciation for the beautiful world God has made for each of us and what lesson I can learn for that day's view.

If we would just open our eyes.................the lessons from a window view are astounding. I hope to share a few nuggets along the way, share about my treasured family (beware: that's when I will really PEEP AWAY!!) and admittedly, at times ask for prayers that I will be stronger to walk this path.

Life can get complicated but really, in the end it's so simple. When you take your last breath of life, if you have chosen the path that leads to our Savior, Our Shepherd, Our Defender and Friend, you will find an Eternal Home beyond description. That's what I believe, that's what I hope for and without hesitation I say, "That is the truth!"

I want us to all be together so "Choose Ye This Day Whom Ye Will Serve!"