Dear Family and Friends,
It has been too long since I posted on my blog! I need to remind myself more often the bigger picture of this blog. It is my way of leaving a journal for my family of different topics pertaining to my days of probabtion. I am so surprised how hard it has been to write, since that has been something I have enjoyed doing for some time now. I anticipated writing books for my grandchildren, and perhaps even for other children. Actually, I had a list of "many things" that I gave thought to as how I would spend my time being an empty nester. Being a homeschooling mother for many years, I thought of ways to maybe bring some encouragement to the young Mothers at my church. My daughters and I, especially Caroline at this time since she has 4 children, thought of ways for me to be involved in their homeschooling adventures. Caroline and I had plans for me to be involved in Nature Studies, Music and Phonics. Yes, I actually enjoyed teaching phonics!!
Plans for family time sounded pretty good to me but I was trying to cover every interest I had. I'm a woman who loves life and a big part of how that is expressed is in the things I choose to do. I have had so many interest come up that narrowing them down was a hard task in itself! But I wanted to learn to really sew. Sew my own clothes, sew home decor items for myself and hopefully others, sew items of interest for my grandchildren. My fabric collection was just waiting for me to come and put their threads into a new shape and location!
Another plan had to do with how I felt each time I walked outdoors where you are instantly aware that our Omnipotent God is the creator of everything I see or hear, opened up a whole new world of gardening plans. I have been a gardener at heart for years but my illness was keeping me from this dream being met. But I simply would not let it go. I had to do something creative with these yearnings so I started a Gardening Notebook some 5 or more years ago. My notebook has everything in it from visuals of the most beautiful flower gardens to garden shed plans and ideas.''
Yesterday was another one of those days where you realize it is very hard to endure, and one minute you are pushing yourself to have the energy to fight off the phsyical side of you saying you are tired. "Well, I'M ALWAYS TIRED ! I made these plans and I'm going to follow through no matter what!! For those of you who might not know this part of me, I love to work and I love to get my TO DO lists done'!! This disease is robbing me of my brain. It is robbing me of the satisfaction of getting even simple tasks accomplished.Lately, it seems as if everyday I notice some sort of decline.
So yesterday, I find myself having a very difficult day with my health. Trying to push past that, I went to the basement alone, thinking I can open a garage door on my own. I tried and tried and I couldn't figure it out and even if i could I don't think I would have had the energy to actually do it. Jennifer was on the phone upstairs so she wasn't able to be of help. I was very heartsick when I realized I can hardly do anything on my own. I have a nice electric scooter that is to give me a measure of freedom and feel as if I'm doing things in this life where I am in control. Well I wasn't in control and I sat in that dark basement, on a motionless scooter crying and crying out to God. Let's see....you have before you a lengthy (sorry) story of some lessons I was RE-learning yesterday.
By the grace of God, I have learned that there is a time appointed for man t0 die and if he doesn't die immediately then he enters into a distinct group of people on this earth called "fellow sufferers." This group are to live with all sorts of affliction that trouble their bodies, or their minds. You are supposed to take your broken down state (your spirit) and be uplifted by the Lord by the "renewing of your mind." How do you sit in a closed up, hot garage, sitting on a scooter you can't even move and let God "renew your mind?" Well, first of all, the bucket of tears I shed does not overwhelm God. In fact, He is so careful to keep a record of my doings in this life as to bottle up EVERY SINGLE TEAR I HAVE EVER SHED! Oh boy, I'll need my own Mansion just for that! I cried out to the Lord and told Him, "Why do you think I'm strong enough for this? Why do you think I can be faithful to the end? This is too hard for me to do." My conversation was pretty much over with God but my tears weren't. Jennifer made it downstairs, got me set up to fill some birdfeeders at a table. Of course, I spilled A LOT, tried to sweep it into a dishpan, I had a spasm and and of course they all fell again. A few more tears were shed (and here i thought i was all dried out by now!) and Jennifer appeared again, just when I had a great need that no one else knew I had.
Oh, but my GOD, the Great Jehovah, who watches out over me, His little sparrow, knew exactly what my need was at that time and brought me help. Sending Jennifer to bring support to my failing efforts to work are just one way God uses each of us to be an encourager to one another, a way to bear one another's burdens. By the time all of the above story was finished, I was able to sit on my scooter in the shade for a great length of time. The quietness and the peacefulness of watching the birds DID bring a renewing of my mind. My spirit was brought to a rest in my struggle to fight having things the way they used to be. They can't be, because I'm not in control of those big decisions. GOD IS. Do I believe He gets tired of me having moments where I forget? I don't believe so, as I believe the compassion He feels for me over rules putting me in a category of rebellion. God knows my heart and gratefully I have learned many things about Him and I know that when He says, "Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid," that He means it. He YEARNS to be my comforter. Just like a father yearns to comfort his hurting children.
"New mercies each morning," were to be found this morning. I woke up with energy for Jennifer and I to go to Walmart and Lowe's to get flowers and some bird feeders. Jennifer has such a passion to fill her Mother's heart's desires because she knows me. And in my probationary state, she is very instrumental (as well as Neil is and the rest of my family) in helping to carry my burdens and to help me be of good cheer. I can say that her efforts today were placed in my TREASURE BOX IN MY HEART and only GOD knows how full it is. I don't see how she could do another thing for me because Sean and Caroline play a huge part in helping to fill up my heart with love as well.
So for anyone looking for a quickie version to the ending of Deborah's Day of Probation in this story, well here goes:
l. you must have a great trial of some sort
2. you give it to GOD, all of it
3. you have good days and bad.......it is best to spread the bad days far, far apart from the good! :-) ESPECIALLY since your are striving to TRUST IN GOD, FOR ALL THINGS.
4. When you do find yourself having a hard day (and you will have them and many times it just sneaks up on you) then CALL OUT to GOD. Do not follow the pattern I have one too many times of calling out to God after you have tried everything else. My own strength couldn't even build an ant hill but God is my Healing Balm, my Spirit of Consolation, my Refuge and Strength and so much more.
So what does the ending of this story look like? Well, today we have a number of beautiful plants waiting to be put in pots. Bird feeders are being hung, a bird bath gettting ready to hold the water for watching the antics of the birds bathing themselves or pruning each other after a bath.
I hope you find the thought quite refreshing! Hey, come on over anytime for some fellowship and watch your mind getting renewed without all the hard work Jennifer and I put into it!!
love and hugs,
Deborah (Mother and Mammay!!) xo xo xo