From Tears to Flowers

Dear Family and Friends,

It has been too long since I posted on my blog! I need to remind myself more often the bigger picture of this blog. It is my way of leaving a journal for my family of different topics pertaining to my days of probabtion. I am so surprised how hard it has been to write, since that has been something I have enjoyed doing for some time now. I anticipated writing books for my grandchildren, and perhaps even for other children. Actually, I had a list of "many things" that I gave thought to as how I would spend my time being an empty nester. Being a homeschooling mother for many years, I thought of ways to maybe bring some encouragement to the young Mothers at my church. My daughters and I, especially Caroline at this time since she has 4 children, thought of ways for me to be involved in their homeschooling adventures. Caroline and I had plans for me to be involved in Nature Studies, Music and Phonics. Yes, I actually enjoyed teaching phonics!!

Plans for family time sounded pretty good to me but I was trying to cover every interest I had. I'm a woman who loves life and a big part of how that is expressed is in the things I choose to do. I have had so many interest come up that narrowing them down was a hard task in itself! But I wanted to learn to really sew. Sew my own clothes, sew home decor items for myself and hopefully others, sew items of interest for my grandchildren. My fabric collection was just waiting for me to come and put their threads into a new shape and location!


Another plan had to do with how I felt each time I walked outdoors where you are instantly aware that our Omnipotent God is the creator of everything I see or hear, opened up a whole new world of gardening plans. I have been a gardener at heart for years but my illness was keeping me from this dream being met. But I simply would not let it go. I had to do something creative with these yearnings so I started a Gardening Notebook some 5 or more years ago. My notebook has everything in it from visuals of the most beautiful flower gardens to garden shed plans and ideas.''

Yesterday was another one of those days where you realize it is very hard to endure, and one minute you are pushing yourself to have the energy to fight off the phsyical side of you saying you are tired. "Well, I'M ALWAYS TIRED ! I made these plans and I'm going to follow through no matter what!! For those of you who might not know this part of me, I love to work and I love to get my TO DO lists done'!! This disease is robbing me of my brain. It is robbing me of the satisfaction of getting even simple tasks accomplished.Lately, it seems as if everyday I notice some sort of decline.

So yesterday, I find myself having a very difficult day with my health. Trying to push past that, I went to the basement alone, thinking I can open a garage door on my own. I tried and tried and I couldn't figure it out and even if i could I don't think I would have had the energy to actually do it. Jennifer was on the phone upstairs so she wasn't able to be of help. I was very heartsick when I realized I can hardly do anything on my own. I have a nice electric scooter that is to give me a measure of freedom and feel as if I'm doing things in this life where I am in control. Well I wasn't in control and I sat in that dark basement, on a motionless scooter crying and crying out to God. Let's see....you have before you a lengthy (sorry) story of some lessons I was RE-learning yesterday.

By the grace of God, I have learned that there is a time appointed for man t0 die and if he doesn't die immediately then he enters into a distinct group of people on this earth called "fellow sufferers." This group are to live with all sorts of affliction that trouble their bodies, or their minds. You are supposed to take your broken down state (your spirit) and be uplifted by the Lord by the "renewing of your mind." How do you sit in a closed up, hot garage, sitting on a scooter you can't even move and let God "renew your mind?" Well, first of all, the bucket of tears I shed does not overwhelm God. In fact, He is so careful to keep a record of my doings in this life as to bottle up EVERY SINGLE TEAR I HAVE EVER SHED! Oh boy, I'll need my own Mansion just for that! I cried out to the Lord and told Him, "Why do you think I'm strong enough for this? Why do you think I can be faithful to the end? This is too hard for me to do." My conversation was pretty much over with God but my tears weren't. Jennifer made it downstairs, got me set up to fill some birdfeeders at a table. Of course, I spilled A LOT, tried to sweep it into a dishpan, I had a spasm and and of course they all fell again. A few more tears were shed (and here i thought i was all dried out by now!) and Jennifer appeared again, just when I had a great need that no one else knew I had.

Oh, but my GOD, the Great Jehovah, who watches out over me, His little sparrow, knew exactly what my need was at that time and brought me help. Sending Jennifer to bring support to my failing efforts to work are just one way God uses each of us to be an encourager to one another, a way to bear one another's burdens. By the time all of the above story was finished, I was able to sit on my scooter in the shade for a great length of time. The quietness and the peacefulness of watching the birds DID bring a renewing of my mind. My spirit was brought to a rest in my struggle to fight having things the way they used to be. They can't be, because I'm not in control of those big decisions. GOD IS. Do I believe He gets tired of me having moments where I forget? I don't believe so, as I believe the compassion He feels for me over rules putting me in a category of rebellion. God knows my heart and gratefully I have learned many things about Him and I know that when He says, "Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid," that He means it. He YEARNS to be my comforter. Just like a father yearns to comfort his hurting children.

"New mercies each morning," were to be found this morning. I woke up with energy for Jennifer and I to go to Walmart and Lowe's to get flowers and some bird feeders. Jennifer has such a passion to fill her Mother's heart's desires because she knows me. And in my probationary state, she is very instrumental (as well as Neil is and the rest of my family) in helping to carry my burdens and to help me be of good cheer. I can say that her efforts today were placed in my TREASURE BOX IN MY HEART and only GOD knows how full it is. I don't see how she could do another thing for me because Sean and Caroline play a huge part in helping to fill up my heart with love as well.

So for anyone looking for a quickie version to the ending of Deborah's Day of Probation in this story, well here goes:

l. you must have a great trial of some sort
2. you give it to GOD, all of it
3. you have good days and bad.......it is best to spread the bad days far, far apart from the good! :-) ESPECIALLY since your are striving to TRUST IN GOD, FOR ALL THINGS.
4. When you do find yourself having a hard day (and you will have them and many times it just sneaks up on you) then CALL OUT to GOD. Do not follow the pattern I have one too many times of calling out to God after you have tried everything else. My own strength couldn't even build an ant hill but God is my Healing Balm, my Spirit of Consolation, my Refuge and Strength and so much more.

So what does the ending of this story look like? Well, today we have a number of beautiful plants waiting to be put in pots. Bird feeders are being hung, a bird bath gettting ready to hold the water for watching the antics of the birds bathing themselves or pruning each other after a bath.

I hope you find the thought quite refreshing! Hey, come on over anytime for some fellowship and watch your mind getting renewed without all the hard work Jennifer and I put into it!!

love and hugs,
Deborah (Mother and Mammay!!) xo xo xo

Hind's Feet on High Places

I am in a very small reading group with Rest Ministries. It is a ministry for those who have chronic illnesses and the outreach is wonderful. If I knew how I would type the link here.

We are studying the book I mentioned above. How appropriate it is for me in my final Journey Days. Assuming my "little readers here" have read it, the character, Much Afraid, has just found out that the travels with her companions Sorrow and Suffering, are taking a detour. A detour in the desert. Much Afraid is quite distressed in discovering this detour and calls out for the Shepherd. He arrives in a moment. He listens to the following:
"The guides you gave me say that we must go down there into that desert, turning right away from the High Places altogether. you don't mean that, do you? You can't contradict yourself. Tell them we are not to go there, and show us another way.
He looked at her and answered very gently, "That is the path, Much-Afraid, and you are to go down there."
"Oh, no," she cired. "You can't mean it. You siad if I would trust you, you would bring me to the high Places,a dn that path leads right away from them. It contradicts all that you promised."
"No, said the Shepherd, "it is not contradiction, only postponement for the BEST TO BECOME POSSIBLE."

This book study is so timely. Creating this blog is so timely. If only you knew how shocking it is that I did it. I have had a stretch of time in the middle of the night, and God is helping me to use this time (tonight) to labor for Him. But none of this was how Deborah planned my ending journey days. I was going to have a lot more accomplished. I was going to be a helper for Caroline's homeschooling days. I was......on and on.

But, God has said, No, I want you to learn of my ways by leaving your home, dying to the natural desires of being independent, designing my own daily TO DO LISTS and checking them off!

I Surrender All to Jesus is my hymn "of the hour," so to speak. I confess it gets hard at times but God's promises are ALWAYS TRUE! So family and friends, learn His Word and hide it in your heart. You will be amazed what it means to have them their as your lifeline in such a time as this for me.

goodnight one and all.............sending you love and hugs!
Deborah

HAVE THINE OWN WAY, LORD

...as the clay is in the potter's hand, so are you in My hand....
Jeremiah 18:6

"Hope differed makes the heart sick," says Proverbs 13:12. Yet, disappointments are HIS appointments." God uses setbacks to renew our focus on HIM, to strengthen our faith, and to divert us to other opportunities." **Robert J. Morgan**

I would like to use the hymn, HAVE THINE OWN WAY, in a different layout. A list/chart seems effective. If we want God to have His own way with our life here are some reasons why:

1. Thou Art the Potter, I am the clay.

2.I want YOU to mold and make me after THY will.

3. But I know for that to happen I must wait, yield and be still.

4. Today (in the present moments) Lord, please search me and try me.

5. I know the above is vital if I want to be made whiter than snow. So please Lord, wash me now, that I might bow in your presence.

6.Oh Lord, I feel wounded and weary many days. Help me I pray!

7. You have ALL the Power so please touch me and ***heal***me Savior divine.

***It is my opinion that this healing might include many things. from poor health to a multitude of sins."

8.If I allow you to have absolute sway in my very being, then please fill me with Thy Spirit, till all shall see.

9. What is it you want others to see in me dear Lord???

"CHRIST ONLY, ALWAYS, LIVING IN ME.!!!"

I don't know about you, but for me and my spirit, I need to do some serious "spring cleaning."

May our hearts be leaning on him for all things.
love and hugs,
Deborah

It Is Well With My Soul

Hello family and friends!

My little blinkie says, "Past, Present, Future." The words just seemed to click right off when I created this little blog. I am so grateful for a loving Heavenly Father who has forgiven my past, teaches me how to live in my present moments and gives me hope for my future.

I thought I would share one of my favorite renditions of a FAVORITE hymn of mine: "It Is Well With My Soul." The man singing is Wintley Phipps and it is my first introduction to his singing. What a singer!! I don't think I can ever get through this song without tears. I thought I would type out for you the words he shares before singing.

"It is in the quiet crucible of your personal, private sufferings that your noblest dreams are born and God's greatest gifts are given, in compensation for what you've been through.

It is Well."

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sYFjikyp7mQ

It is fitting for me tonight to be blessed to listen to this song before going to sleep.

love and hugs,
Deborah

Art Therapy...A First for Me!

Today I had my first visit with "my" art therapist. Hospice provides so many wonderful services and the social worker came several weeks ago and explained choices I had access to. Because I was given the choice, I asked if she might help me with making yo-yo templates. (If you don't know...yo'yo's are mostly circles of fabric you gather and can make quilt covers, crafts. lots of ideas)

One of the reasons I needed help with this is because I get frazzled with too many steps to anything. The time she spent helping me created the following:
1. together we made paper templates for the plastic templates
2. We cut out 2 different fabrics and sizes. I am wanting to make myself a matching necklace and bracelet! The fabric will match a skirt Jennifer recently sewed for me. (She sewed me 6 skirts........yes! The number is 6! I have never had so many new skirts and the colors are so fun!) The skirt is black with white polka dots. I just hope I get them done.

The art therapist, Denise, will be back in 2 weeks. I accepted her offer to guide me in what she described as expressing your losses through art. This isn't really my cup of tea normally, but I'm not exactly "normal" these days! :-) I'm sure my little artwork will not be displayed at any art gallery.

Unless there is a museum out there somewhere that collects artwork titled, 'STICK PEOPLE!"

goodnight!
Deborah

Spring is here, finally!!

Welcome Spring!! If there is one thing about springtime I relish, it is the birds! Waking up and hearing birds singing to one another is so delightful to me. Jennifer has put up feeders outside my window, both for small birds (niger seed) and the larger, a sunflower mix. I prefer to have hulled sunflower seeds as the birds do not like the hulls and scatter them on the floor bed wherever they hang. I had my first male finch visit last night.

Today is a big day for several reasons. My cousin's only daughter is getting married and one of the young ladies at our church is expecting her first child in several weeks and we are giving her a shower today. I have the responsibility of making mock "Hostess Cupcakes" and I will say that they are quite close and delicious. I can say that because I didn't create anything about it, just found the recipe online!

One of the reasons I have not posted is that I felt every single time I wrote I had to have some spiritual insight discovered, etc. and that just isn't possible. I have also had to have new meds started that make me very tired. So my TO-DO lists are not getting done and that makes me find myself swimming in a "pool of discouragement." SO sorting through that new phase of being on hospice has been going on. I'm not as discouraged as since going on the stronger meds have helped my pain level.

I initiated a conversation idea with my family called, "IF I COULD I WOULD...." since my reality is such, that I can do very little that I want to to do. So it has been fun to hear of some things they would do with me if I could do those activities. So here is my entry today:

IF I COULD I WOULD:

go bike riding. haven't done it in years but have wanted to FOR years. The trails around here are just growing and of course they are beautiful! It would be great fun as a family.

I would landscape with flowers and ground covers, little waterfalls and "all things bright and beautiful!"

That's enough entries for today on that topic. I want to be able to say them where a natural longing and admittedly sorrow might assist in those words but I don't want to have it get depressing. It defeats the whole purpose for me which is to open dialogue of the "real me inside" since most don't see or hear of such things.

Finally, please click on the Modest Mom button. You will discover a great weekend giveaway that you just can't pass up!

Blessings to all,
Deborah

Hospice and YoYo's

That's quite an unusal title, wouldn't you say? But today it really happened. The hospice admitting nurse came to my home today for several hours getting me into the system. For those reading who might not now, at least a month ago I was told to go on hospice only to have insurance problems. One thing led to another and it seemed I was denied. hWell, the other day, I decided to take it all on myself. I called my medical insurance company and to make a huge mistake and all it's little details......it turned out that I was able to have hospice all along. So for the nuts and bolts side of starting hospice all is well. Of course, it goes without saying, there is an emotional side to it that is pretty natural but it's been in the making for some time now. You think you are prepared but it still is a process to work through.



So where do yo'yo's fit into the hospice story? Well, I am trying to make some projects with them and my admitting nurse had some great ideas. She was quite interested in my efforts to do this which got me very eager to get a project done. I have a little book on it's way with instructions but while I wait on the book I am going to just play around with the ideas. I was blessed to find something on ebay I had never heard of, YoYo templates. They are very beneficial for me because I do have trouble holding onto things and these will help that problem PLUS it also shows the exact holes to put the needle through. I hope to create some nice things with these yoyo's. Thanks to my admitting nurse, my confidence level got a little extra boost today.



My heart is heavy tonight with burdens. So this is about all I have to say tonight. I just have to take the positives out of this day (even though it's 2:14 a.m.) and apply it for tomorrow!!''

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